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Hey all,

Check out a new video I produced!  Stripper Hero – She’s just doing this to get through kindergarten.

Enjoy!

Stripper Hero

I Have Dreams

My dreams are usually very vivid, somewhat surreal and oftentimes full of tiny details that make me either chuckle or furrow my brow. Friday night I dreamt that I was at work and was repeatedly sexually harassed by a man that resembled my friend Wes. The attacks were relentless. The octopus-like character was cramming every free digit into the meat of my buttcheek saying things like, “Wow, that’s quite a handful. Me likey!”. I would run out of rooms, lock myself behind doors, and this person would just show up wherever I was like a grabby spectre eager to tenderize my sirloin.

Eventually I had had enough and karate chopped the guy to the thoat and ran away in tears. I woke up feeling scared, confused and violated. And that’s when I realized that Wes’ old stand up show was called Violated!, and it all made sense….kinda.

Saturday night I had a dream that I had landed my dream job. I remember walking through an enormous lobby, like the kind of lobby you’d find in an expensive hotel. There were people everywhere dressed extremely casually and playing foosball, reading books, sitting on couches talking and resting in sleeping bags on the floor. I was psyched! As the boss was going over my new salary, I realized that I was back in Charlotte NC, and that I had left all my friends, family and most of all my true love, back in NY. Devastated, I wondered how I could make that decision to leave her behind. I woke up grateful that she was still there next to me and that I did not hear Nascars racing around a track in the distance.

So very true...

So very true...

Last night was the most disturbing in awhile. It started off nice enough: My dad had bought a car that looked like an amalgamation of every muscle/pony car you’ve seen from the 60’s and 70’s. Part ‘Cuda, part Charger, it was black and loud and erection inducing. I filmed as my dad and brother tore around a field in it. As I waited for my turn, the dream changed and I found myself at my parents house. My girl and I were on the couch having a snuggle when my mom asked me if I called the vet. Apparently someone had given the dog something to eat and she was afraid that it was poisonous. As I reassured my mom that we would never poison our dog, the situation turned hostile. She threatened to call to have the dog taken away or put to sleep. She managed to push every button I had until I was boiling mad. Mad enough to turn the dream violent. And that’s when it ended.

I awoke feeling very distraught and confused. The confusion is normal. But still, hours later, I can’t shake that dream. I think I’ll give mom a call and chat for awhile.

Bloody hell.

I just came off of a nice relaxing weekend only to have my blood pressure skyrocket this morning.  I’m sure you’ve already heard of the chimp attack that left a woman in a hospital.

The first thing I though of was a story I read last month about a Las Vegas toddler being attacked by the mothers pet python.

Can someone please explain to me the mentality behind keeping dangerous animals as pets? Obviously I don’t get it.

I remember walking through a park years ago and seeing a young man walking two pitbulls. The dogs were barking at other pitbulls about 30 yards away and I heard the man utter, “He better keep those dogs on a rope before I feed them to their masters.”

Clearly I haven’t met every owner of a chimp, python or pit. I’m sure for every story we see in the news, there are 10 people who will say, “I’ve never had a problem with my pet Bengal tiger. You just have to respect the animal etc etc.” But I have to wonder what need is being fulfilled by keeping dangerous animals as pets. The first time I wondered this was in swim class when I was doing laps behind a kid whose leg was gnawed off by his dads rottweiler when he was a baby.

From the story I linked above, “In 2005, a different chimp escaped from California’s Animal Haven Ranch and chewed off a man’s nose and genitals.” His genitals. HELLOOOO. The first thing I googled when I got my pet kitten was, “cat genital attack”. And you bet your ass I still google that once every few months.

Any reports or studies you can send me regarding why people keep dangerous pets are welcome. I simply don’t understand.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one….

Girlface and I decided to make the most of the season last night.  After work, we went to Rockefeller Center to see the big tree.

It looked nice.  Like the spartans in 300, we fought, gouged, tore and crushed our way through the crowd to get up close.  I lost a shoe.  GF received a sprained coccyx.  But we made it. 

And you know, up close…meh.  Sure, it’s huge and there are a ton of lights on it.  But, that’s it.  Just some bulbs and a star.  Where’s the tinsel?  Where are the ornaments; both store bought and handmade?  Where is the fake snow?  What, no candy canes?  No train orbiting the base?  I demand popcorn on a string!

Pfft.  Even I could have thrown some lights on a tree. 

We decided to check out St. Patrick’s Cathedral in search of something with a little more pizazz.  Significantly less crowded with more seating area, the Cathedral provided a getaway from the hustle and bustle outside.  The scent of unscented candles filled the pews and people milled about looking at the statues. 

We took a seat and absorbed the atmosphere.  Girlface loved the architecture and we talked about how it must have been built during  some sort of Gothic revival.  We chatted quietly among the people praying.  It was relaxing.

GF wanted to take a walk around the inside to check out the sculptures.  We found this cool relic that reminded me of the thing Indiana Jones put on the stick to illuminate the location of the Ark. 

As we rounded the back area, a young custodian quietly approached me.  “Sir, your hat”, he said.  Oh shit.  I was still wearing my winter beanie.  I thought I was done for.  It’s a little known fact that one of the commandments on the original set of tablets was “Thou shall not cover your head while indoors.”  See, the priests and clerics of ancient Judea were very proud of their temples.  Many of the temples had high ceilings.  The more wealthy priests could afford to warm the entire open space while the less fortunate could not.  Therefore, it was a sign of disrespect to the poorer priests to wear your winter hat indoors as it was an acknowledgement that they couldn’t keep warm the entire hall.  Betcha didn’t know that. 

Luckily for me all I had to do was say I was sorry and tell the young man I believed in Jesus.  All was forgiven!  Hooray!

Speaking of Hay-zoos, as we walked down one of the aisles, I spotted a creepy disembodied Jesus head adorning one of the walls.

jesushead2

Seriously, what’s up with that?  It’s the guys birthday and all; one would think they’d put a picture of happy-alive-baby Jesus over the bloody head.  Maybe it’s just me, but it seemed a bit morbid. 

Finally we decided to head home and grab some sushi.  Later we opened presents.  Both of us did really well!  There is only one item needing to be returned and thats only for a different size.  It was a great first xmas together.

Tonight we spend with her family.  Then, this weekend, we’re spending time with mine.  Should be fun!

Happy Holidays!

Happy birthday to Me...Happy birthday to Me..

Happy birthday to Me...Happy birthday to Me...

Last Weekend Before Xmas

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been rushing around this past 4 weeks, trying to fit in work, shopping, holiday parties and, if you’re lucky, a few hours of sleep.

This past weekend was the final hurrah before the “big one”.  Here’s a recap:

Weekends start on Thursdays; didn’t you know?  After work I headed out to Barcade to see some friends I haven’t chilled with in awhile.  Great times were had by all.  I didn’t make it past the bar to check out the arcade as it was their Winter Brew Night.  I tried the Southampton French Country Christmas and loved it.  In fact, I had 3.  I also had the Pyramid Snow Cap which was very very tasty. 

Friday found me at the Gotham City Improv right after work. My friends, The Sample Platter, were putting on a show with the kids from Knifestorm. There was a significant amount of snow and slush on the ground on Friday resulting in fewer audience members than expected. Not to worry though; the gang performed as though the house was packed. And they provided free beer! Score! I’m looking forward to having the Sample Platter perform with my group in January.

After the show, I headed out to Queens to pick up Girlface and rush over to an acquaintances apartment.  This acquaintance, let’s call her Lisa, was having a party for a dear friend of ours who just lost her mother to cancer.  I hadn’t seen my friend in months so I was excited to go. 

We got there and ate and drank and sewed merriment together.  The karaoke machine was hot and the tequila was flowing.  It wasn’t long however before the drama went down.

Lisa is letting her friend, let’s call her Kelly, stay on her couch until she can get back on her feet.  Lisa and Kelly are both single and in their late 30’s.  As the night went on, both Lisa and Kelly found themselves flirting with the younger guys more and more.  Straddling, licking peanut butter out of ears, spanking, groping etc.  Lisa liked this young 20 something lad, let’s call him Norm, and made no qualms about asking him, quite bluntly, to have sex with her later. 

Upon hearing this, Kelly poured on the skank and threw herself at Norm.  It wasn’t before long before the feces hit the fan.  “Everyone has to go!”, shouted Lisa.  That got our attention.  And before I could get off the couch Lisa said to Kelly, “You have to steal every guy, don’t you?  Everytime I’m interested in a guy you have to take him.  You have to take him away from me.  Every guy I like you steal because you’re hotter than me.  I let you stay here rent free and you just take every guy.”

Awesome!  This wasn’t the time to leave, but Girlface thought we’d better.  However, not before we heard Kelly say, “Fine, you want money?  I’ve got $400 in my purse, here you go”, as a stack of $20’s went sailing across the living room. 

Norm was like, “Fuck this, I’m leaving”, and I can’t blame him.  He was just a young innocent guy happy to have a beer in his hand.  We left with Norm and jumped in the elevator to leave, and Kelly caught up with us.  “Oh, Lisa is a bitch, and I love her, but she’s wrong this time.  So Norm, where do you live?”  Classic.

I spent Saturday morning appreciating the fact that my girlfriend is not a crazy ass.  We sat around the house most of the day, prepping our sets for our show that night.  Saturday night we performed at Family Hour with Auntie Sara at Ochi’s Lounge. What a blast!  Sara Benincasa is a great hostess.  We each did our 5 minutes up front and then stayed for the rest of the show.  Some really funny and original comics took the stage including the headliner, Kevin Allison, of The State. Super fun time. I’d love to book that show again.

After the show, Girlface and I went to meet her friends at Black Bear Lodge. At first it was great. The guys had a small table to the side and the jukebox was playing Bad Religion and All. I was the color of happiness. Unfortunately, the Gramercy WASP/Douche set decided to descend on the Lodge and the stink of Obsession For Men drove us out.

No worries though, Rolf’s was right across the street. If you’ve never been, check out this video. The halls are decked, and not just with boughs of holly.

We spent the night drinking mulled wine and german brew.  It was one of the best nights I’ve had this year. 

Happy Holidays everyone!

Level 4 Graduation Show!

If you have nothing to do tonight, you may want to stop by the PIT at 6pm to catch my Level 4 Graduation Show.  14 improvers enter the stage….and well, eventually all 14 leave.  But, before they do, they give a unique, never to be seen again performance.  See you there!

The Peoples Improv Theater – 29th street bet 6th and 7th
6pm
$5

Recognition On The Street

Heh…

On the way to work this morning, while absorbing the soothing sounds of Midlake’s album, The Trials of Van Occupanther, I was stopped on the street by a construction worker.  “Hey, yous a comedian right?  I saw yous last month at a club on 14th street.  This guy, this guy right here is funny.”

Small world.  As immense as NYC is, it’s, in some respects, a small town.  I always run into the same people everywhere I go.  Still, it’s amazing that he recognized me.  I do remember him from the audience as he was there to see a friend of his. 

He immediately wanted me to riff a bit on his friends nose….on a Monday morning….before my bagel.  Wasn’t happening.

It was a nice way to start the week.